The Mama Behind the Mini: Our Pregnancy Journey

Other than close friends and family, not many know much about our journey to conceive Niko. Getting pregnant was not as easy as many would think or had thought. There were more downs than ups and every month brought on even more heartache than the month before. There were days that I could not bring myself to get out of bed, as dramatic as that may sound. Getting pregnant was proving to be more difficult than I ever thought it would be. But every heart-wrenching, tear-filled bit of our journey was so worth it. 

***

Ever since I was a little girl, I always knew that I was destined to be a mom. There was nothing else in the world that I wanted to be, than to be a mom. Others dreamed of being doctors or famous, you name it, but I always dreamed of having a large family of my own sitting at our long farmhouse table as we finger painted, played games and sat down for Sunday dinners. I was too naive to ever think that getting there could possibly be a difficult process. 

For as long as I can remember, I have had issues with imbalanced hormones. My siblings always made fun of me about how "crazy" I was around that "time of the month," but I never thought that my mood swings were actually a sign that something was not right and could pose issues for getting pregnant later in life. It wasn't until months after Justin and I got married that I finally said something to my family doctor. We had been married for almost a year and each month I found myself without a cycle and a staring down at yet another negative pregnancy test. 

I will never forget that hot July day when I received a phone call from my doctor telling me that I could possibly have PCOS and that they wanted to start me on medication right away. The doctor had mentioned that her sister had used the Metformin in the past and was pregnant in a month! I was so excited to get started. I felt so relieved! 

Fast forward to September. Still no positive pregnancy test. Instead, I was even crazier than before, so sick from the medication, and feeling defeated. We finally decided that it was time to seek help from a specialist. We made an appointment for a few weeks out, as we could not get in any sooner, and I was anxious to finally get some answers on what was going on with my body. It's funny how you really have no idea how intricate and amazing the process is and what your body goes through in order to get pregnant, until you can't. 

That first visit was challenging and scary and super emotional. I remember sitting there anxiously while I waited for the doctor to call us back. The visit was broken into three parts: the meet and greet, the examination, and the results. I have never been so anxious in my entire life. The whole visit felt like time was going in slow motion. During the examination, my ultrasound lit up like a Christmas tree. My ovaries were covered in little cysts. That's when the doctor officially diagnosed me with PCOS and more tests were done and more blood was drawn. However, the visit wasn't all bad news. My doctor was very positive that his plan to get me pregnant was going to work and that he had a high success rate in helping woman conceive. A part of me was relieved, but the other part was still trying to wrap everything that he was saying around my head. I knew it wasn't going to be easy and that we were not out of the woods yet, by any means. We still had a long road ahead of us. 

By January 1st, I still had not gotten a cycle in almost a year and half. We started our treatment by taking Provera first to induce a cycle, then Letrozole. Being that it was the first cycle and we were still trying to figure out how my body would react to the Letrozole, the prescription was off and I spotted. We didn't end up getting pregnant. This was the first of several cycles that ended in heartache and disappointment, each one getting more difficult than the last. So many doctors visits, so many ultrasounds, and so many tears, I just didn't know how much longer I could do this. My poor husband was a saint throughout the entire process. He would just let me crawl in ball in his lap and cry day in and day out. I can't even imagine what he was going through, as I am sure it was just as hard on him as it was on me, if not harder. He was living with the constant heartache of not conceiving a child, but then also seeing his wife broken. 

It was our last cycle. We were told going into this process that we were only going to get four cycles and if we were unsuccessful, we would have to run more tests and change our course of action. Well, our fourth cycle came and went and I was still not pregnant. When I informed the doctor of this, I asked for one last cycle. I just needed one last try. This time was a little different. We used an ovulation predictor kit, just as we did the cycle before, but this time there was something weird with it. For whatever reason, it wasn't working the correctly and we were confused with the results, so we just guessed and ran with it. I also had been running to NY and back, and then to West Chester and back multiple days that week for work. I thought for sure we were going to be faced with the same old results. But, I tried my best to relax and just let it be. A friend of my mother's told me her daughter always used Robitussin DM when trying to conceive and she swore by it. We literally pulled out every trick in the book that week. You name it, I tried it. 

A week and a half later it was Father's Day and I went to go visit my parents. Halfway through dinner I said to my family, I am so sorry, but I need to take a nap. I literally could not keep my eyes open. The next morning, I called my mom on my way into work, as I do every day, and she asked me how I was feeling. I told her honestly, I feel really nauseous, come to think of it. I actually didn't think much of it, since I always have an upset stomach, which is probably due to my hormone imbalance. But, that weekend, while Justin was away, I took a pregnancy test, and it came back negative. I just could not believe it.  A part of me really thought this time was going to be our time. 

June 24th, I was an emotional wreck. For as confident as I started out at the beginning of this cycle, I started to lose all confidence and the doubt took over. I cried for hours. I crawled onto Justin's lap and said, I know I am going to wake up tomorrow and I am not going to be pregnant, and I just can't keep doing this. I didn't know how I was going to move onto the next step.

The next morning I woke up sick with a fever and some sort of bug. I called out of work and stayed in bed. Around 9 am, there was still no sign of anything, so I decided to test again, not thinking anything of it. I placed the test on the bathroom sink and threw in a load of laundry to take my mind off the time, as it slowly passed. Finally, I got enough courage to peek around the corner of the bathroom to check the test. And, that's the moment my life changed forever!